


If found, please return

by Tilltheendoftheline



Category: Captain America (Movies), Winter Soldier - Fandom
Genre: 1940', Bottom Steve Rogers, Brooklyn, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Eventual Smut, Five Years Later, Gay, Hydra, M/M, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Steve, Stucky - Freeform, Top Bucky Barnes, little Steve, post-serum Bucky Barnes, winter soldier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-04-04 14:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4140429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tilltheendoftheline/pseuds/Tilltheendoftheline
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve never had the pleasure of meeting Dr. Erskine, so he never became Captain America. Bucky, however, was captured by Hydra and made into the Winter Soldier. Steve once again lost someone important, until he received a letter that changed his life forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I love pre-serum Steve, so i really wanted to do another fanfic about him. This one is going to be a bit bigger, but I hope you are going to like it! :D

The days without Bucky were terrible. After losing my father and mother, you would think that I would get used to losing loved ones. But losing Bucky felt like someone ripped my heart out and started chewing on it. I cried. I cried for days and nights, hoping that I would be in a big nightmare and that Bucky would come and wake me up. But he never came and my tears started to dry up. All the important people disappeared and I was alone n. I was on my own to survive and stay out of trouble.

That morning, just like every morning, I got out of bed and walked on automatic pilot towards the small bathroom. I undressed from my too-big pyjamas and stepped in the shower that gave me ice cold water. It didn’t hurt me; I barely felt it on my skin. I would stand there for about five minutes, before stepping out again. That was the beginning of my day, every day. I would eat breakfast and walk a few miles to work. For the past few months, I had been helping an elderly lady in her flower shop. It wasn’t fun, but it paid enough to pay the rent. I would sell the flowers, do some administrative work, and clean up. After my 9-hour shift I would walk to the grocery store, buy some cheap food and walk back. Normally, I would love to walk around, look at people, find new stores. I would play with a stray dog or give some milk to the kittens in the back alley of my apartment. But after Bucky died, it never crossed my mind to do that. I wanted to get home and sleep. This day wasn’t any different. I walked up the outdoor stairs, picked up my key underneath the brick and opened the door. I was already fantasising about a new dream with Bucky in it, maybe going on a nice vacation, or building a new fort with the pillows. I didn’t care, as long as Bucky was in it and I could be close to him. But a big, white envelope interrupted my mind. I never got mail, ever, and there weren’t people alive who could send me mail. I picked it up, expecting it to be for the young couple next door with their new baby girl. But my name was written on it. I frowned and threw my shopping bag on the table. A can of beans fell out it and rolled underneath my bed. I ripped the envelope open and took out the letter. It wasn’t handwritten, but typed on a typewriter. The last time I got one was when they told me Bucky died in battle. They had made up this stupid story of how heroic he was and how sorry they were that he died. But they had written his name wrong, so I didn’t put any value in the letter. This letter was different. This letter gave me my life back; this letter made my heart start beating again. For the first time in five years I was able to take a deep breath. They found him, they found Bucky. Bucky wasn’t dead, as they had assumed when he didn’t return from his mission. When the war was over, they started to explore every bunker. In one of them they found an American civilian, Bucky. They didn’t say anything more, so I didn’t know how he was doing. I didn’t really care; all I could focus on was the fact that Bucky was alive and that he was waiting in the hospital for me. The letter fell out of my hands and I started running. I almost tripped on the stairs, but that didn’t stop me. It never stopped me. I ran through a couple that was holding hands and almost ran in front of a car. I could hear the driver cursing, but I was too far away to see his face. Panting, I ran in the hospital. The last time I was able to run this fast and long, I had a terrible asthma attack. But something kept me up, as if God was finally on my side and gave me this chance to get to Bucky.

“I’m here to collect James Barnes!” I panted. A pretty nurse with bright red lips looked behind her and smiled. She found me adorable--I could see it in her eyes.

“Ah, you must be Steve. He didn’t shut up about you. You want some water? It looks like you need some,” she said. If I didn’t want to see Bucky, I would love to have some water. But I didn’t want to be another minute without him.

“You know what, I’ll bring you to Sergeant Barnes and then I will give you some water,” she smiled. She started to walk, but not fast enough. After what felt like an hour, she stopped by a room and opened the door.

“Be careful, okay? I’ll give you a minute alone,” she smiled. I almost pushed her out of the way. I wanted to get to Bucky and I wanted him now. I stepped in the room, expecting to start living again. To feel great and smile. But as soon as I saw him I felt terrible. I froze in the middle of the room and my blue eyes kept focusing on the  
man that was sitting on the bed. He didn’t look like the Bucky I said goodbye to. This man had shoulder-length hair, a short beard and blue eyes that looked into nothing. His body seemed normal, tall and broad. But his arm was different. It was shiny and metallic. Bucky looked up and the dead gaze changed.

“Steve?” he mumbled. He sounded like he just woke up. His voice still cracking and deep. It made butterflies awaken in my belly. It was Bucky, my Bucky. I walked closer and stopped in front of the bed. I had no idea what he wanted, I always dreamed about this moment and I had a million ways to greet Bucky…but right now…I had nothing. My mind was completely blank.

“Buck…ho…how are you?” I asked. Bucky frowned and looked away from me.

“Don’t know.” I came a little closer and sat down on the edge of the bed. I felt Bucky’s eyes explore my body. An awkward silence fell. I felt how Bucky leaned closer to me. His scent didn’t change--he still smelled great. Bucky placed his human hand on my head and pushed away my hair so he could see my eyes. It was amazing to feel his skin again. His touch made the awkwardness go away. I felt free to wrap my arms around his neck and push my face against his shoulder.

“Don’t ever go away, ever,” I whispered. Bucky placed his hands against my back and sighed. He slowly pressed me closer, so I was sitting on his lap.

“You two are really good friends. I got some water for you, and I would like to do a final check-up before sending him home. If you two are ready.” The sound of the nurse’s voice ruined the moment. Bucky let me go and I stepped off the bed. The blonde nurse gave me a cup full with water and did her routine, and told me that Bucky was fully capable of going home. She assured us that if there was something wrong, we could always call. It felt like I won the lottery when I walked out with Bucky next to me. He had shoved his metal hand in his pocket and looked down at the ground--the total opposite of how he used to walk. Bucky was always full of confidence and that showed in his way of moving around. Now…now he walked like me. He didn’t want people to see him and wanted to get to his destination as soon as possible.

“Don’t worry Buck, everything is going to be okay,” I said softly. Bucky looked at me and showed me a crooked smile.

“Of course it is--you make everything better,” he said. My cheeks started to burn and I looked away from him. I wasn’t used to attention, not in this way. It had been five years since I had gotten this kind of attention.

“Let’s get home and have some dinner. I’ll tell you about what you missed the last few years…not much…it’s basically like you never left, to be honest,” I said. Bucky smiled again and even dared to chuckle.

“Thank you for picking me up,” Bucky said. I felt his eyes on my body, which turned my cheeks red again.

“Of course. I wasn’t going to let you stay there. I need you to stay with me so I’m not that cold in bed… My balls have been freezing off since you haven’t been here.” I tried to lighten up a bit. Bucky chuckled harder and nodded.

“Sure,” he said. I never expected to walk home with Bucky next to me. I dreamed about it—it was my favourite dream. I was afraid this might be a dream still. What If I woke up, crying and knowing that I would never have him close to me? I tried to pinch myself, but I didn’t wake up. I really walked next to Bucky. I really had the chance to bring him home, to feel his warm body against mine this night. Smiling, I looked up at him. Bucky was really home.


	2. Shut up

After a quick dinner, I sat down with Bucky on the small bed we owned. We had slept here together for years, pressed against each other so the cold wouldn’t get to us. It wasn’t accepted, two men sleeping in the same bed. Whenever we walked through the streets of Brooklyn, I could hear the whispers. They thought I was a ‘queer.’ Not Bucky—no, this tall and handsome man wasn’t able to be in love with another man; nobody wanted to believe that. If they only knew what happened behind closed doors. Humans were twisted and way too judgemental for my taste. Bucky was the one who pulled me out of my thoughts. He ran his metal hand through my blond hair and showed me his crooked smile. I loved Bucky’s smile; it made me warm inside. It took the pain in my bones away for a few seconds.

“Are you okay?” Bucky asked. I was happy that he hadn’t changed. Bucky was still worried about me. His own leg could be falling off, but if he saw that I looked worried, he would turn the world upside down to change it. Just like now, he had been hurt and used and he still was worrying about me.

“Yes, now that you’re here. What did they do to you?” I asked. Bucky had removed his shirt, so I was able to see how this metal arm was connected with his body. The metal began half in his shoulder and went all the way down to the tips of his fingers. His skin was damaged around the metal. It was scarred and bright red.

“I don’t know exactly what happened…it’s all a bit fuzzy. They gave me this new mission, a special one. I was together with some other men and we needed to disable a dangerous weapon on this moving train…”

“They put you on top of a moving train?!” I interrupted. He looked up and sighted.

“Shut up and let me talk. Yes, they wanted me on top of the moving train. It went well, we were able to get to the weapon and that’s when the fight started. The wall got blasted off somehow and someone surprised me with his attack. That’s when the holes come, in my memory. I’m in the snow all of the sudden and I see this…soldier. I think he’s Russian, but I’m not sure. They pull me away from where I fell and I see my arm…well, what’s left of it. Then I am on this table and they are doing stuff with my arm…I remember the pain. God, it hurt so much, it went on forever. I woke up with this arm and they taught me to fight with it. They gave me all the weapons I needed to train with it. It’s really different to snipe with a whole new arm. This one is heavier, so I need to re-calculate when I’m shooting. They were about to put me in this new experiment, a weird chair that would make me…more loyal as they said. And then the Americans came. They saved me,” Bucky continued. He looked away while talking, like he was living it again. I saw the pain on his face and it made me angry. Bucky was the sweetest person on this world. He didn’t deserve that. Nobody was allowed to hurt him.  
“I can’t believe that they did that to you. Why on earth would they do that?” I whispered. Bucky shrugged and leaned back against the wall that the bed was standing against.  
“I don’t know. I think they wanted to create the perfect weapon, a human weapon.” We kept looking at each other. I didn’t want to believe that they had put my Bucky through all of that.

“So…eh…what did I miss when I was gone? I hope that you didn’t replace me as your own personal heater?” Bucky asked. I looked down at my hands, to avoid Bucky’s bright eyes. I would never replace him. The idea alone of letting someone else in this bed made me sick.

“No, I didn’t. It’s not like there are men lining up to be with me. And you didn’t miss anything except for five birthdays. We got new neighbours, though. They have a baby girl, so don’t expect any sleep this night. I work at a flower shop… I basically run the place,” I mumbled. I wasn’t proud of the fact that I hadn’t changed in the past five years.

“I’m happy that you kept thinking about me…that you came that quickly. When I was with them I kept thinking about you…the idea of seeing your face again kept me sane. The feeling of you shifting in bed because you can’t find your sleep… you kept me alive. I was scared that you didn’t want me back.” Bucky’s confession woke up the butterflies in my belly. It made me fall in love with him again.

“I would never replace you. Nobody gives me the feeling that you give me,” I said softly. My cheeks reddened again and my blond bangs fell in front of my eyes. I started to realise that Bucky was really here with me. I was not dreaming and Bucky was really saved. Thstop. It hit me straight in the face that I could be happy again. Bucky didn’t die alone in the cold snow—he could be happy again, he was able to move on. I felt big tears stream down my face. His pain was over.

“Steve?! What are you doing? Stop that!” Bucky yelled. He took my arm and pulled me close to his body. It was the first time that I could really feel his warmth. My head leaned against his shoulder, and I was pressed against his chest. Both his arms were enough to cover most of my body.

“You are not allowed to cry, stupid. Stop that, or I will start crying too,” Bucky whispered. I felt how he hid his face in my hair, to hide the tears in his eyes.

“Sorry.” I wrapped my arms around Bucky’s metal arm, scared that I would lose him again. I needed him to stay with me. We sat there for hours without saying anything, just cuddling. Bucky was the first to move. He slowly unwrapped his arm and cupped my chin.

“I missed you, Rogers,” Bucky said, leaning with his forehead against mine. I was hypnotised by his blue eyes. I had seen them so many times in my dreams.

“I missed you too.” Bucky smiled and brushed with his lips against my cheek. He made a trail of small kisses from my cheekbone to my mouth. They taste of his sweet lips made me dizzy. My bones felt like jelly and I got it extremely warm. It was amazing. After five years of big, dark clouds, my world had found the sun and it felt perfect. Bucky was perfect.


	3. Punk, jerk

Bucky and I sat down on the bed for hours. After the first kiss, the awkward atmosphere vanished. Bucky kept his arms around my body while I pressed my back against his muscular chest. I felt his lips making an invisible trail on my skin. It was perfect. I had never imagined sitting like this with someone, let alone with Bucky. Fear grew in me when we decided to sleep. Bucky was completely exhausted from this day and the big, black circles around his eyes showed that he needed some sleep, it made me scared that I would wake up tomorrow with nothing. What if my mind was playing a nasty trick on me, and I woke up heartbroken? Bucky undressed me, like he always did. He opened my buttons one by one while his smooth, metal fingertips touched my skin. It made a shiver go over my spine; I wasn’t used to this cold, smooth hand. I had loved Bucky’s rough, big hands, and one of them was gone. 

“You didn’t change at all,” Bucky whispered in my ear. A new shiver travelled through my spine. His hands started to unbuckle my belt and pushed my pants down my legs. 

“Is that good or bad?” I asked. I felt how Bucky leaned with his chin on my shoulder, so he could pull away my pants. 

“Good. You know I love your body. I was scared that you wouldn’t be the same anymore,” Bucky mumbled. Now that I was undressed, he let me go and started undressing himself. I turned around to see how Bucky removed his shirt and unbuckled his belt. Buck’s body was still the same—there wasn’t one new scar. I even thought that the few scars he had had disappeared. 

“Like what you’re seeing?” Bucky smiled cockily. I bit my lip and looked away from him. 

“No, hate it so much,” I mumbled sarcastic. Bucky laughed and kicked his pants from the bed. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me back to his body. 

“Come on, Stevie. Don’t be so mean,” Bucky said. He pulled the sheets over my body and he laid down next to me. I felt how he pulled me closer and put one leg over my hips. His warm breath tickled the short hairs in my neck, but I didn’t mind. It made me aware that Bucky wasn’t gone yet. 

“Did it hurt when—”

“If you’re going to say ‘when you fell from heaven’ I will kill you, without any mercy,” Bucky interrupted me. I looked back, but all I saw was his long hair. 

“Shut up. I wanted to say when they…gave you this new arm,” I said, a little cranky. I tried to be serious and understand what Bucky has been through, but he acted like it was a joke. 

“Don’t know. I felt so much pain when I was there… I don’t know what was because of this arm or because of their treatment for me. The arm wasn’t the only thing damaged from the fall, but they barely treated the other symptoms. It won’t surprise me if my ribs healed the wrong way. They acted like my arm was this…god. And I was the stupid device keeping it alive. Some men tried to teach me to snipe again with this arm, because it’s much heavier than a normal arm, and after that they would polish and clean it. They didn’t care how I looked. That’s why I only got a haircut when my hair got stuck in the zipper of my suit,” Bucky said. It hurt me to know that Bucky was mistreated this way. They acted like he was this dog, and he didn’t deserve it. Bucky pressed a kiss against the back of my head.

“Do you mind if we could talk about other stuff? Really, I want to spend this first night with you without talking about what happened. It will come later, okay? What are we going to do tomorrow? Let’s do something fun, Steve,” Bucky said. He placed his hand against my belly and started to brush my soft skin. I slowly closed my eyes, to enjoy this feeling more. 

“That’s okay. I understand that it’s hard. And I need to work tomorrow. We can go to the barber in the morning, so you can get your old haircut back. After that you need to entertain yourself… I can’t just not show up. You want to help? Maybe I can ask her to hire you, so we can make some more money,” I said. I started to understand that Bucky was making his jokes to hide how hurt he was. He never liked to show his pain and sadness, even with me. It would show, sometime…I hoped. 

“Let’s skip one day, Steve. I got some money from the army—shut up money. So I won’t tell everybody what can happen when men go to war. They don’t want half the army leaving because of what happened to me. We can go to the carnival…or maybe there’s new stuff from Stark that we can see. I don’t want to work,” Bucky whined. He pressed his nose in my hair and sighed deeply. 

“I can’t, Bucky. I need to work. Unlike you, I don’t have shut up money. I need to pay rent. And the owner can’t run the shop alone,” I said. I wanted to go out with Bucky. There wasn’t anything in the world I wanted more than going out with this man, seeing his beautiful smile when he had fun…just being around him. 

“Fine, whatever. I will come to your work. God, those five years without me truly killed all the fun in you,” Bucky laughed. He pressed another kiss against my head. 

“Let’s sleep, before I kick you out of bed,” I said. Bucky sighed and I could feel how he nodded. 

“Yeah, sure. You’ll kick me out of bed. I’d love to see you doing that some time. Good night, punk,” Bucky laughed softly. I placed a hand on Buck’s bicep and nodded. 

“Good night, jerk,” I sighed, before I tumbled into a deep, dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be way more fun. Bucky is trying to be to old him again and this means teasing Steve c:


	4. Jealousy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning/spoiler: Bucky is getting a bit handsey in this chapter, so if ya don't like that... skip that part? It's just a few lines c: This is a really fun chapter, so don't skip it 
> 
> AND i'm going to Cyprus for a week, so i'm not able to write anything for that time. SORRY

Of all of my bad ideas, bringing Bucky to work was the worst. I always saw Bucky as this hardworking person, who wasn’t afraid of some lifting. But hell, was I wrong. Today was a day that he decided that he didn’t want to work. 

“I worked every day for five years. I can skip one. I’ll watch you work.” That was his reason. Now, after the shop had been open for an hour, Bucky was sitting on the only chair, playing with some petals. It wasn’t busy today, which was good. I had more time with Bucky this way.

“So how did you end up with this job?” Bucky asked, while stabbing a petal with a needle. He looked up and smiled. It looked like he hadn’t disappeared for five years. He had his old hair again, his light eyes were still full of little sparks and his smile was still the same as when he was ten. 

“Well, I bought here some flowers to draw. And I noticed that the lady who works here had trouble with binding the flowers together. She explained that her grandkids didn’t want to work here anymore so she was alone. I offered to help her and from that point on I started to do more and more tasks. The shop is in her name, but I do everything. It’s not my dream job, but it pays well and I meet a lot of nice people,” I said. Bucky took one of the roses out of a vase and started to rip of the petals. 

“If you’re here to kill my flowers, please leave. You’ll make this place broke,” I sighed, taking the rose from Bucky. The man sighted and got up from his chair. I knew right away that Bucky had something in mind that I didn’t like, I could see it in his eyes. 

“Nobody’s here. Why don’t we have some fun, like we did before I got in the army?” Bucky smiled cockily. He cupped my face and pressed a kiss on my lips. It shocked me. Bucky never touched me like this in public and I never touched him. People didn’t like the idea of two men laying with each other. It could cost the shop money if people knew that a gay man worked in it. 

“Don’t! Buck, not here. They might see us!” I yelled. Bucky laughed. 

“Come on, nobody’s here. Stevie, come back please!” I tried to walk away from Bucky his boredom, but the man pulled me back by my arm. As soon as my back touched his chest, he laid his hand on the bulge in my pants. My cheeks turned red and I tried to push Bucky away, but he had nothing of it. He pressed kisses to my neck and even used his tongue 

“Stop it right now!” I yelled, my voice way higher than I intended to do. Bucky laughed and let go of me and my half-hard erection. My face was bright red when I walked back to the counter. I didn’t want customers to see the growing bulge between my legs. And if Bucky’s tease wasn’t enough, two blond girls walked in. I knew damn well that they didn’t come in for the flowers or me. They wanted Prince Charming—Bucky. 

“I’ll take these two,” Bucky laughed, before pressing a kiss to the air. I saw how Bucky swaggered towards the girls, placing his hand on one of the girls’ shoulder. I wasn’t able to hear what they were talking about and I didn’t care. All I wanted was to get rid of the heat. 

“Steve! Two rose bouquets for the beautiful ladies. And give Dahlia here a dahlia flower that is as perfect as her,” Bucky yelled. I clenched my jaw and got some roses out of the vase to make bouquets. I knew that Bucky was in love with me—he told me that a lot. But I also knew that he wasn’t afraid of women. He still liked females and that scared me. It scared me that all these beautiful woman could come in and steal my Bucky away with just a pretty smile. 

“Here you go, and have a nice day,” I said, giving the flowers to the two girls. Both of them gave me two bucks before turning around for some more attention from Bucky. They stayed for another ten minutes before Bucky was able to talk them out of the shop. With the biggest smiled, Bucky walked back to me. 

“Hey, gorgeous,” he said, revealing that he had a tulip behind his back. He leaned on the counter and handed over the red tulip to me. It was his way of making up for the flirting he did with the girls.   
“I didn’t like them, really. Why on earth would I want them when I have a beautiful, blond with big blue eyes on my arm?” Bucky smiled. I looked down at my hands and sighed. 

“Please don’t flirt with girls in front of me. It makes me jealous and I hate that,” I mumbled. I was ashamed for being jealous. It wasn’t a pretty thing. 

“Sorry, Stevie. Please don’t hate me. I will stop. Now, what can I do around here to make it up to you? I’m really sorry,” Bucky said. I looked up and saw that he was serious. 

“You could bring all the empty pallets to the back? And I don’t hate you—I hate that you are really charming and that girls like you so much. You are mine and I wished that I could show them that you belong to me,” I said softly. I felt how Bucky brushed through my blond hair. 

“I am yours and you are mine, and as long as we remember that, nobody will get between us, Stevie. I will work hard for the rest of the day and I will take you out. I want a good, juicy hamburger. I’ll pay, because I was such a jerk today,” Bucky smiled. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. Bucky was trying to do his best. I leaned closer to Bucky and pressed a small kiss on his lips. 

“Oh God, Steve! You dirty man! People could see us!” Bucky yelled dramatically. He put out his tongue and walked away smiling. 

“Go to work, you lazy sloth!” I yelled, laughing. I loved this man. He gave colour to my life and I was grateful for that.


	5. Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm soooo sorry for the long wait. I had the biggest writers block ever on this story. I'm going to try and write more on this story. Sorry again for the long wait. 
> 
> This chapter might contain more mistakes as I didn't use a native English speaker to read it first (like i do normally). I tried my best to follow the grammer rules and such, but sometimes I read over my own mistakes. 
> 
> I STILL HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS

Thanks to Bucky, I wasn’t able to do much work. I wasn’t able to finish unloading the complete load of fresh, Dutch tulips and a flower arrangement needed to wait for another day. Even though I nor Bucky didn’t do much, I was exhausted. It was a hard job make sure Bucky behaved himself around girls who were visiting. And of course the constant fear of being caught by people when we were kissing behind the counter. And seeing the fact that Bucky was completely knocked out right now, showed me that he was exhausted too. After a warm dinner, the man fall asleep on the bed. Now, two hours later, he was still sleeping. I decided to spend this rare moment to make a drawing of him. It didn’t happen very often that I was able to draw a sleeping Bucky. I loved it when he was sleeping, his face was so calm and peaceful. I was just finishing the bases of his face, when I saw how a disturbed look made an appearance. Bucky started to shift his body and made a soft growling sound. I looked up from my papers and frowned. He never acted like this. Bucky was one of the most peaceful sleepers ever. 

“Buck,” I said, raising my voice slightly. I put my papers and pencils on the ground and moved over the bed, to get to Bucky. Carefully, I placed my hand on his chest to shake him awake. It scared me when the men jumped up with a scream. I leaned back and watched how Bucky grabbed hands full of his own hair. He was panting and sweat made his half naked body shine. 

“Buck, are you okay?!” I said concerned. I had never seen him act like this. He was fine yesterday night. I placed my hand on his shoulder and pressed a soft kiss against his cheek. 

“Do you want to talk?” I asked. Bucky looked up, his eyes haggard. His face was pale, as if he had seen a ghost. He lowered his arms, so he was able to press his head against the crook of my neck. He wrapped his arms around my small chest and pressed us together against the mattress. 

“I keep seeing these people…they…they are sawing my upper arm off. And this…this arm…I see it hurting other people. Please stay with me Steve,” Bucky mumbled. I could feel his warm breath against my neck when he was talking. It made me nauseous to think that someone hurt Bucky, that they made him watch while they sawed his arm off. Monsters had captured Bucky and tried turning him in to one. It made Steve proud to know that they failed. Bucky was strong and he survived. 

“Why would they saw of your arm?” I asked softly. Bucky looked up with a disturbed look in his eyes, as if I had just said the stupidest thing ever. 

“How the hell should I know?! For the same reason they wanted me to kill people?!” he said angry. I could see his face soften right after he said that. 

“I’m so sorry Steve. It’s not fair of me to be angry at you. I honestly don’t know. Maybe it was to damaged, or their design of this arm didn’t work if I had half a arm,” he said. I showed the man a smile and petted through his dark hair. I hated seeing Bucky like this. I hated that he was in pain and that he was terrorised with these awful images. 

“It is okay Bucky, I get it. It angers me too that they have done this to you. A person as amazing and caring as you doesn’t deserve that. You can be angry to me, as long as you make it up to me after it,” I smiled. Normally it was Bucky who tried to use humour to lighted up the situation. Now it was me who made the other smile. Bucky pressed his warm lips against my jaw and sighed.

“God, I love you so much. Thank you for everything,” he mumbled against my skin. I chuckled and closed my arms around his neck. 

“I love you too, a lot. Do you feel a bit better? We could cuddle a little longer if it makes you feel better,” I asked. I saw how Bucky looked up with a smile around his lips. 

“I might have a better idea to feel better,” he said in a very low voice. I started to laugh and nodded. I knew exactly what he was thinking off. Bucky placed a hand next to my head and pressed his lips against mine. It was a long time ago I had any physical contact with a person. I wasn’t a saint, I did touch myself in lonely nights. Bucky and I had slept more than enough together to have some good memories. But having the real deal touching me was way better. Even though I needed time to get used to his new, smooth hand. I opened my mouth, welcoming the warmth of his tongue. I could hear Bucky moan, while his hands ghosted over my body. 

“Never leave me Steve,” he moaned. I placed my hands against his broad shoulders and moaned, when the man started to press his lips against my neck. 

“I’m never leaving you Bucky, we’re together till the end of the line,” I mumbled.


	6. Glimpse of the Winter Soldier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning/Spoiler: There is a lot of cursing in this chapter, so if you don't feel comfortable with that, skip this chapter :)
> 
> Hope you all enjoy it!

I had no idea how I was going to pay for rent and food. Bucky had a huge appetite and the price for meat and fruit got higher with each day. I already stopped paying for the expensive medicine, I could survive for a few day’s without them. Bucky and I just needed to survive for long enough, so Bucky could go back to work. After that, we would have more than enough. For now, I just needed to make sure that we had food. 

“What do we need?” Bucky asked, his voice sounded bored and the look on his face only highlighted it more. I looked next to me, to look at the bored man. He had slipped his hands in his pockets and looked up at the clear sky. We ran out of groceries and needed to get something for dinner tonight, so it came that we both walked to the groceries tore. 

“Toilet paper, canned beans, bread and if possible some fruit or meat. They might have some good deals,” I said. Bucky nodded and turned his head towards me. 

“How much money do we have?” he asked. I frowned and pointed towards Bucky his pants. 

“You have the wallet, count it yourself, lazy ass,” I said. Bucky dug deeper in his pockets and shrugged. 

“No I don’t, you have it,” Bucky said. I sighed in annoyance. They were already close to the shop and Steve didn’t felt like walking back again. Bucky stopped walking and took his hands out of his pockets. 

“It must be on the table. I’ll go back, I’m faster. You can wait outside the store until I’m back,” Bucky said. He quickly looked around him and pressed a small kiss on my forehead. 

“Buck! You can’t do that!” I started to yell, but Bucky started walking back already. It scared me that people might found out that I was gay and Bucky bisexual. The world got more accepting everyday but they were pretty rough on men and women like Bucky and me. I sighed and leaned back against the brick wall. I didn’t feel like walking alone to the grocery store, so I decided to wait here. He needed to have a good talk with Bucky, he needed to stop with showing affection in public. The world, sadly, wasn’t ready for that. 

“Hey sweetcheeks!” A deep voice pulled me out of my toughs. I saw a man walking across the street, right behind a lonely, blond girl. I frowned and stepped away from the wall. It made me angry that men would act like this around girls. 

“Come on dollface, give me a nice kiss!” the man screamed. I balled my hands in a fist. 

“Hey! Knock it off! Leave her alone!” I yelled. I had the attention of the big man right away. He was easily two heads taller than I was. 

“Shut up asshole!” I took a step back. It was a good thing the girl was save now, but I realised that the man wasn’t happy with my action. My heart started to pound faster when the dark haired man started to walk towards me. I had got myself in trouble.   
“You need to learn to shut your mouth, fucking cunt!” he screamed. I tried to blow my lungs full with air, to make myself look bigger. The dark haired man gripped me by my small tie and pushed me in a small ally. 

“I was talking to that whore and you ruined it!” he cussed, while pushing me against a fence. My heart started to pound even faster and I could feel sweat starting to appear on my body. It was a long time ago that I got myself in this kind of trouble. I couldn’t even remember the last time. 

“Yo…You should…n…not talk to…a woman like…that!” I stumbled. The man started to laugh, after which he started to curse again. 

“You should keep your fucking mouth closed!” he screamed, close enough so I could feel his spit hit my face. I closed my eyes and pulled my hands in front of my face. I was ready for the first hit, but it never came. 

“Get your fucking hands off of him!” I heard familiar voice. I opened my eyes and saw how a a metal hand pulled the big bully away from me. I had never seen this evil look on Bucky’s face. He looked like a Wildman who was protecting his piece of meat. 

“If I ever see you touching him again I swear to god that I will rip you fingers off, one by one!” Bucky yelled. He reached back, to swing his fist against the nose of the bully. The man grunted and fell back. Normally, Bucky would had left him, he would have looked at Steve, to see if he was hurt. But this time was different. Bucky got on his knees and started to pound in on the man. 

“Bucky!” I screamed in panic. I had never seen Bucky this way. His eyes looked like he was ready to murder. I tried to get a hold of Bucky’s wrist, to stop him from hurting the man more. 

“You are hurting him! Stop it!” I screamed. Bucky looked up and slowly regained his control. He was panting and it looked like he had worked out for an hour. 

“O my god Steve, I’m so sorry. He…I…I saw him trying to hurt you…and I lost it. I couldn’t let him hurt you…Steve I wouldn’t let him hurt what I loved most,” Bucky whispered. He looked at his metal arm that had blood over it. 

“We need to leave Bucky, we need to go,” I said. I noticed how I started to shake. Bucky got up and slowly walked away from the man in pain. He was still alive, but I could see that he was in a lot of pain. 

“I wasn’t going to let him hurt you Steve!” Bucky yelled. I walked around the man and grabbed Bucky’s hands. We needed to leave. Bucky wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. 

“I’m so sorry Steve…please forgive me…I…I…was protecting you,” Bucky whispered. I closed my hands around Bucky his cheeks and pulled him closer. He scared me, his look and actions scared me to death. But I knew that it was a moment in which he had lost himself. He was sorry and I forgave him. 

“Bucky, It’s okay. It’s okay, I’m here and I’m save. We need to go now, we’ll go home and talk about it when we get back,” I said. I didn’t care the time that people saw me holding hands with Bucky. It was the only way I was able to pull him back home. Bucky was confused and scared after what happened and I wanted to make sure that he got home save. It was the longest walk home ever. As soon as we reached home, I pushed Bucky in one of the kitchen chairs. In silence I started to clean his metal hand, which had still dried blood on it. 

“It was like I was back there…with them. Something…a little voice…in me told me to kill him. He didn’t deserve to survive because he tried to hurt you,” Bucky whispered. He stared at the window with a distanced look in his eyes. I sat down on his lap and pressed a small kiss against his lips. 

“It’s okay Bucky. I don’t agree on the fact that you hit him so many times…but I get it. I get that it was what they wanted you to be,” Steve whispered. Bucky looked at me, big tears started to appear in his bright eyes. 

“They made me kill people Steve…good people. Just like I tried to do a few minutes ago. I would have killed him if you didn’t pull me away,” he said. Big tears started to run down his cheeks. It broke my heart to see him like this. They had hurt him so much. It made me so angry. Bucky didn’t deserve this. 

“Come here, Bear,” I said. Bucky wrapped his arms around my body and pressed his face against the crook of my neck. I could feel big tears starting to wet my shirt. 

“It is okay, you can cry. Do whatever you want, I’m here for you,” I said. He cried for hours, he kept crying and mumbling words I couldn’t put together. It was good, it was good that Bucky finally started to talk more about his time away from me. I kissed him and told him that it was okay. I kept him close to me and talked about how much I loved him, how much I loved last night. I loved Bucky, I loved him so much. I was never going to leave him, he was mine and I was his.


	7. Money

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> naaaah I cried while writing this

Money really started to be a problem. Before the fight with the unknown bully and Bucky, I had some hope that the men would be able to work again…but he was a mess. There wasn’t a force in the world that was able to pull Bucky out of bed, up until three days after the fight. He had left the warmth and comfort of the blankets while I was searching for a can of beans. Bucky would lean against the wall, looking how I prepared a meal from scratch. His blue eyes scanned my body, noticing how I hunched a little.

“What’s up with that Rogers?” His raspy voice asked. I looked over my shoulder. Bucky had pulled a blanket from the closet to drape over his half naked body.

“What are you talking about?” I mumbled, trying to play dumb. Bucky scoffed and walked closer.

“That hunch, is your back hurting?”. I wasn’t able to pay for painkillers anymore. The scoliosis in my back was hurting like hell, but there wasn’t a way for me to stop it anymore. I needed to take care for Bucky now, it was my turn.

“Yeah, a little. I needed to cut down the medicine a little,” I said. I could feel Bucky’s blue eyes piercing through my body. Bucky made a small sound of disbelief. He stepped back and dropped the blanket on the ground.

“Why? Steve, you need to take it all,” Bucky said. I took a pan from the stove and walked to the sink, to let the water drip out of it.

“Because we need money Bucky. Your ‘shut up money’ was enough for a few day’s of food and rent, but it’s dying out and I’m not able to pay for all of it. When you were gone I had just enough for me, but you eat so much that it changed. So I decided to quit on some medicine,” I said louder. I put the pan down and looked back at Bucky. He was slowly getting angry; I could see it in his eyes.

“Are you fucking joking, Rogers?! They gave you those medicine for a reason! You can’t fucking stop without telling me, you’ll die!”. I was surprised by his loud voice. Bucky had never raised his voice towards me and I had pulled more idiotic stuff. The man clenched his jaw and shook his head.

“What medicine?” He asked. I turned towards him and slowly pushed my hands in my pockets.

“Painkillers and the ones for my high blood pressure. I still have the ones for my asthma and heart, so don’t worry I won’t drop dead yet,” I mumbled. Bucky looked at me like I just slapped him in the face. He stepped closer to cup my face and forced me to look up.

“Listen, okay? I care way too much for your stupid punk ass to let you die of high blood pressure. If it was okay to skip those medicines, they wouldn’t have given them to you. I’ll get out of bed…I’ll pull myself together. I…eh…I had a job offer from some doctor…. Doctor Erskine or something. They…Hydra…stole what they put in me…to make me like this. He and that Stark man worked on it and…they asked me to work with them to test it out. I’ll do that, I’m going to be okay and you are going to the fucking pharmacy right now,” Bucky said with a firm voice. I had closed my eyes while he spoke. It made me sad that I didn’t succeed in caring for Bucky. He deserved to rest and slowly come back…but I failed to give him that. I tried to hide the tears of disappointment, but they were way to strong to keep back. A cold tear ran down my cheeks, on Bucky's warm hand.

“Steve…it's okay. I know you tried and I love you so much for that. I need to get back to work and they might even find a way to turn me back. If we can make a living out of what they did to me it was at least good for something, right? Come on Rogers, don’t give me tears, you are breaking my heart over here,” Bucky said. I loved his voice like this. It was deep and calming. I had missed his voice so much. Bucky released my cheeks and wrapped his arms around my body. I was pressed up against his chest, so I was able to hear his heartbeat.

“I came back for you Rogers, I stayed alive for you. Steve…never do this again. Be honest with me. I know it’s hard, but I’m sturdy, not as sturdy as you but I’m getting close, okay?” he chuckled in my ears. His fingers roamed down my back.

“I’m sorry Buck, I tried to do my best. You just needed time and I wanted to give that to you, I wanted to take care of you. Just like you used to do for me. It was my turn to help you,” I mumbled. Bucky pressed his lips against my temple and chuckled again.

“You did; you did that amazingly, Steve. Thanks to you I had a long time to process what happened to me. Steve, what they did to me…I could stay in bed for years and never process it all. I can’t let the demons win. I need to fight back by living my life. It will be good for me to go out, to clear my head with other stuff. You gave me some time to reload, but it’s time to kick ass again. But promise me one thing Steve. Never, ever pull this joke on me again. I need you, alive,” Bucky said.  
He had pressed me closer to him. I felt his warm breath tickle my ears with every word he said, but it was nothing compared with the warm feeling my heart grew throughout my body. I had wrapped my arms around his chest and pressed my forehead against his shoulder. Bucky was a dream, a perfect dream. I still didn’t fully know what to do to deserve someone as amazing as Bucky. He was so strong and such a sweet person.

“I love you Buck, I love you so much,” I said. I pressed a kiss against his shoulder and looked up at the handsome man. It still showed in his eyes that he suffered, a lot. But the forced smile on his face masked it enough for strangers to not notice it. I knew the old Bucky like no one else, I saw what they had done to him mentally.

“We’ll work this out, together. You know what I always say, I’m with you…”

“Till the end of the line,” I finished his sentence. Bucky kissed my lips and nodded.

“I’m going to call them and after dinner we are going to buy your medicine. Rent can wait a while,” Bucky said. He kissed me again and walked away, leaving me alone in the kitchen. I knew that he wasn’t ready to start working again, he was still too scared and hurt. But a place that knew about what happened and what they did to him could help him better. I sighed and turned towards the counter, looking at the sad beans in the pan. It was going to be hard, but I was willing to do it for Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you had as much fun reading as i had writing this chapter!


	8. The first day on the job

I got home early, to make sure that I was there before Bucky. Today was the day that he started his job. It made me anxious. I didn’t know how he would return and it scared me that they broke him. Bucky was just getting a little better and a small thing could bring him down again. I wanted to make sure that he didn’t come home to an empty house. I wanted to make sure that if he needed to talk, he had someone right there available for him. My boss had no problem with letting me go early, he knew about my situation and knew that Bucky needed me. So with a few extra dollars that he gave me, I was able to go home an hour early. I stopped at the bakery, to buy two pieces of pie. Right when the kettle started to make noise, I heard the key hit the lock. Bucky opened the front door and I heard him drop his bag on the ground.

“Steve?” I heard a confused voice. Bucky stepped out of the small hallway, with a surprised look on his face. The man looked tired, just like he used to look before the war. He stepped closer towards me and pressed a small kiss on my lips.

“Why are you here? I thought you needed to work until six,” Bucky said. I kissed him back and pulled the kettle off of the stove, so the whistling sound stopped.

“Well, I thought it would be nice to be home for you,” I said, a little confused. I never expected   
Bucky to come home like this. I felt how Bucky wrapped his arms around my waist, while I filled two cups with boiling water.

“Yes, that’s nice. Thank you,” he whispered in my ear. Bucky released me, so I could put the two cups on the table, next to the pie.

“My boss gave me some money to buy something nice, so I got the pie you liked,” I said. Bucky sat down and nodded in approval. It really surprised me how Bucky acted. There was no sign what so ever of the man who left this morning. He walked straight up again, had this sparkle in his eyes and sounded exactly like the old Bucky. I sat down in front of him, while I looked how he started to eat from his pie.

“So... how was it?” I asked. Bucky looked up and showed me his beautiful smile. It made me feel weak to the bones to see that smile again.

“Really good actually. I thought they would judge me a lot, but they didn’t. The doctor and Stark understand what happened to me and they are trying to explain what happened to me and my body…what my arm can do. This big…blur… that lived inside my head…they are clearing it up. Somehow they know me better than I do,” Bucky said. He looked up from his pie and smiled again.

“You see, they originally made this. So they know what it is that made me like this and they know what I can do. I might do something good with it, they call it a super soldier serum. They never wanted to test it on someone, but they have me now. If it works they can make a whole army full of people like me. I can serve this country again…Steve, I’m not worthless anymore,” Bucky said. I had never expected this. It surprised me so much that the big negative cloud that was above us, slowly disappeared by the strong sun. I never thought the first day at a new job would make such a good impact on Bucky.

“Why are you not eating?” Bucky asked. The big smile around his lips slowly disappeared.

“Are you okay Steve?” He asked. I shook my head and chuckled softly.

“No…no, I’m fine. I’m just really surprised about this. I never thought you would come home this happy again. Your smile…I haven’t seen it for so long, not that one. I was really scared that you would break down when you came home. I’m happy for you, a lot. I just…I don’t know. You surprise me,” I said. It was true, I was really confused. Bucky had been in a depressed mood for weeks, and within 8 hours someone that was not me made him like the old one again. Bucky got up from his chair and took my hand, so he could pull me up. His metal hand wrapped around my tie, so he could pull my face closer. I could feel his warm breath touch my face, which made goose bumps appear on my arms. I placed my hands against Bucky his sides, while I looked up at his light eyes.

“Thank you Steve, for everything. You are amazing, I couldn’t have done this without you,” He said, before pressing his warm lips against mine. Bucky placed his hand against my lower back, so he could press mine body against his.

“You can eat that pie later, I want to do something else first,” Bucky said, with a low voice. I smiled against his lips and nodded. I was happy that Bucky came back like this. His old energy was back, for now. This could finally be the ending of a chapter and the beginning of a good, new one. One in which Bucky was happy again, in which we were happy again. We are going to fall back, but we are only going to climb up harder, together.


	9. Date night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did re-read it but i had no native english person to check the grammer for me. So sorry if this chapter has some little mistakes!

Bucky had changed a lot in the next few weeks. His emotions were a rollercoaster and I didn’t really know how to react on it. He could be smiling and happy one minute and the next one he could be back to his depressed self. I never knew how Bucky would come out of work or wake-up. The moments that I had happy Bucky were the best. I loved waking up to Bucky’s bright blue eyes and his smile, I loved his dirty talk even though it made me red around the cheeks. And I hated to wake up to a crying Bucky, who was choking on his own saliva because he had such a severe panic attack. I hated the anger in his body. 

I got home late this evening. A young couple needed a lot of flower arrangements for their wedding, so I stayed longer to finish it. It was fun to do, I started to love working with flowers. But it made me tired to the bones. I was ready for some hot soup and a warm shower before jumping in bed. It started to get dark outside, when I opened the front door. I walked inside, expecting one of the two Bucky’s to sit at the dinner table. There was no one there. I frowned and walked further inside the apartment. 

“Buck?” I asked with a loud voice. Nobody answered. I dropped my bag in the kitchen and walked towards the bedroom. It was possible that he was hiding under the blankets again, something he used to do when he didn’t felt like facing the world. It got weirder when I walked in the bedroom to find no Bucky, no blankets and no pillows. 

“What the fuck,” I whispered softly. I looked around and was ready to start screaming Bucky his name again, when a paper popped up in my vision. I walked towards the table and grabbed the paper, to see Bucky his wrinkly handwriting.

‘Hey handsome, come to the roof when you are ready,’ 

I put the paper down and placed my hands against my hips. Before we lived together, we used to go up the roof of the apartment building. It was an amazing place, where you could see all the lights of Brooklyn. It was the place were we shared our first kiss and even had our first time. The roof was our special place, were we haven’t been for years. 

“What the fuck are you planning Barnes,” I mumbled. Bucky wasn’t the romantic type. He would try, but the date or idea would somehow fail. He tried and that made it way cuter that the actual romantic message behind it. I walked back to the door and closed it behind me. I was curious about what Bucky had done. All the blankets and pillows are gone, so there should be something up there. I climbed the fire stairs and stepped on the roof. Bucky was sitting a few feet away, on a cloud of blankets and pillows. The normally dark place was luminous up with candles. A big smile appeared on my face. 

“What are you doing, asshole?” I smiled. Bucky looked around him and got up from the ground. He was wearing his good blouse and new pants. He had groomed his hair and shaved himself for the first time in weeks. Bucky looked amazing. I walked closer to him, while my belly was close to exploding from the butterflies. I couldn’t wait until I had the change to kiss him.

“I just wanted to surprise you, jerk,” he chuckled. Bucky raised his hand, so he could support me while I kicked out my shoe’s. Now that I was close I could see that Bucky had prepared a small dinner and had wrapped a few things in packing paper. 

“Well you sure as hell surprised me, it does keep me asking why though. It’s not my birthday you know,” I said. Bucky pulled me closer and together we sat down on the blankets. From this point it even looked like there were more candles. It looked amazing. 

“I know that you had to deal with a lot of crap from me. It’s not easy to be in love with me at this point, let alone living with me. I am going trough some pretty rough times and you are making it so much easier for me. I love you and I wanted to show it,” he said. I felt how my cheeks started to burn. It felt amazing to hear from Bucky that he loved me. I laughed softly and looked down at our tangled hands. 

“Believe me, you are the one that deserved this. After what you have been through…you are doing so good,” I mumbled. Bucky started to laugh. He let go of my hand, so he could close his hands around my face. I loved his rough hands. 

“Steve, just let me do this for you, okay?” he laughed. Bucky pressed a kiss against my lips. I closed my eyes to fully enjoy the sensation of his warm lips against mine. 

“Okay, I’ll be sweet,” I smiled. I opened my eyes, to watch how Bucky leaned towards the presents. He picket out the biggest one and presented it to me. It was years ago that I got my last gift. I never really cared about gifts, my parents weren’t able to give me much, so Bucky was the only one who got me the most presents. 

“Just this was more then enough you know,” I said. I took the gift from Bucky and started to unwrap the big box. 

“When you are finished with this one I want to eat. I’m really hungry,” Bucky said. He brushed through his hair and showed his charming smile, the one that I loved so much. As soon as I opened the gift, I felt how my mouth dropped. I had run out of pencils a few weeks ago and had no time nor money to get new ones. Bucky had bought the one that I really wanted. It was crazy expensive, so I never was able to get them, until now. 

“Howard gave me some extra money, so I wanted to invest that in you,” Bucky smiled. He leaned closer and pressed a new kiss against my lips. I couldn’t believe that Bucky wanted to buy this for me. I looked up, but had no idea what to say. 

“No, I didn’t want to spend it on me. You are the one that makes me happy, so seeing you happy makes me happy. This is a win win for me,” he smiled. I brushed the pencils and smiled. Bucky was incredible. He was so perfect. I brushed through my hair and shook my hand. 

“So sweet. Bucky, you are so incredible sweet,” I mumbled. I couldn’t take my eyes away from my new pencils, it made me so happy. It made me so happy that I was together with Bucky. 

“Now, come one. I want to eat something,” Bucky said loud. He took the pencils out   
my hands, so that I would wake-up from my state. While Bucky was trying to find a way to get the food without spilling it, I started to hug him. De man started to laugh and wrapped his arms around my waist. His warm hands traveled over my back, until he could pull me close to him. I ended up on his chest, with his big arms around my small body. We never got to the point were we could eat. We kept cuddling, kissing and enjoying each other. That night made me realize that I loved everything about Bucky. I even loved his anger and his depressed moods. I loved his angry looks when he didn’t get his way. I loved every single piece of Bucky. I would do everything for him, as he would do everything for me.


	10. Super Soldier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had the bigges writersblock *again*. I'm so sorry it took me so long BUT I THINK I CAN MAKE IT UP WITH THIS CHAPTER.

Bucky didn’t tell me much about what he did with Howard. Every time I asked about it, he told me that it was way too complicated, and as soon as I felt his warm lips I forgot about it. I didn’t really care in the beginning; I was just happy that Bucky got his life back. But after a few weeks I wasn’t able to contain my curiosity anymore. I wanted to know what made my boyfriend so happy. Someone could call it jealousy, and maybe it was. There was just an irrational fear that I would lose Bucky again. 

Bucky had a day off Wednesday, because he came in late last night. I was already off to bed and didn’t even notice how Bucky laydown next to me. I woke up to his snoring. Bucky always snored like an animal, when he slept on his belly. I kicked the man with my foot, but he was so deep in his sleep that he didn’t even notice. Only then I noticed that Bucky had dropped a document on the ground. He probably wanted to read something before sleeping. It didn’t even cross my mind to look at the documents, until I had picked it up and placed it on the nightstand. In big, bold letters, I read ‘Super Soldier’. I glanced at Bucky. He was drooling on his pillow and had grabbed mine pillow in his right hand. The man wouldn’t wake up for another hour. I took the document again and slowly walked out of the bedroom. I did feel terrible for looking in to Bucky’s papers, but I needed to know what he did. I sat down on the sofa and turned around the first paper. It was a full, detailed document about what was injected in Bucky. How they were able to recreate it, to inject in others. It contained a full chapter about a test subject that they were looking for.

“I did not realize that I needed to hide my documents, Steve,”.   
I looked up in pure horror. I didn’t even notice Bucky coming in. The documents fell out my hand when I jumped up. He was standing in the doorway with crossed arms. His bright blue eyes told me exactly how disappointed he was. He walked closer toward me and picked up the document. 

“I’m sorry Buck… I…I just…wanted to know what you were doing,” I said. Bucky looked down at me and sighed. 

“How much did you read?” he asked. I slowly looked up at Bucky and shrugged. 

“Almost everything. I didn’t finish the last chapter,” I mumbled. Bucky shook his head and stepped back. I hated it when Bucky was angry. I wanted him to scream at me, throw things or curse…but he did nothing. He only looked disappointed. 

“I’m so sorry Bucky… It was wrong. I just wanted to know what you were doing…you are so happy and you are there so much. I was just scared that I would lose you again,” I said softly.   
The document scared me. I knew that Bucky was exploring this, his power. The serum in his body was made by bad people, who wanted to do bad things with it. It was scary that they were using a part of Bucky, to create a new kind of men. They were using his DNA, which meant that they were playing with Bucky. I looked up at Bucky, who was still standing before me. 

“That does not allow you to snoop in my papers, Steve. This was classified, why do you think I didn’t share it with you? Nobody is allowed to know this,” Bucky said. I could feel his light eyes piercing through my body. He was extremely angry at me and it made me feel bad. I had never in my life felt so bad about something. Bucky was disappointed in me and it hurt. 

“I can’t make it up to you, I know. I am sorry. I should not have done it…but I did and that is wrong,” I said. Bucky sat down on the edge of the table. I could only see his knees, as I was bowing my head in shame. I did not want to look Bucky in the eyes. Hearing his disappointment was more than enough, I didn’t want to see it. 

“Never do this again. If I want to share something, I’ll say it to you. This is not one of those things. Now, it’s not the end of the fucking world. Don’t act like a poor Labrador, Rogers. Just promise me to never do this again,” Bucky said. His voice had lost the disappointment, which only made me feel worse. He was so kind. Bucky was never able to be mad at me for long. He was a good person and I damaged his trust. I wanted to help him, to make up for what I had done. I felt Bucky press a kiss to my forehead. 

“Come to bed, I want you,” Bucky mumbled, before getting up. His words didn’t even reach my brain. An idea had popped up in my head, which made the bad feelings leave. 

“Let me be your test subject,” I said. Bucky froze at the door. I got up from the, a smile growing on my face. By being the test subject, I was able to help Bucky. My reading his papers wouldn’t be for nothing if I helped him. 

“Are you fucking serious?” Bucky turned around, his eyes furious. His expression made my smile disappear immediately. I had seen Bucky angry. He had been angry at me for bringing us in trouble, he had been angry because his parents told him he couldn’t do something and I had seen him angry when someone was trying to hurt me. The last kind of angry was the worst and he was that right now. He had never been angry with me like that. 

“You think I will put you through that shithole I went through?! You think it was easy?! Do you honestly think you can just walk in, get that stuff jammed in your body and walk the fuck out?!” Bucky screamed. My eyes went wide and I felt how my lips parted a little. Bucky had never screamed at me. I was so surprised and startled that I wasn’t able to react. I was just stood there, watching as Bucky grew angrier by the second. Bucky stepped towards me, his face only a few centimeters away from mine. 

“You’ve had some stupid ideas Steve, but this is the worst idea ever!” he said. I could feel his warm breath touch my face. Bucky closed his mouth. He started to realize how he reacted. I saw how his eyes scanned my face, to determine what emotions I was feeling. 

“No, you can’t be the test subject. I will find someone else, someone I don’t care about,” Bucky said softly. He lowered his eyes and raised his hand, to place against my neck. I was still startled. I could not believe that Bucky had been angry with me. He was the calmer one between the two of us. He evened us out, as I could be the extreme person. 

“I just wanted to help you,” I responded. Bucky frowned and placed his other hand on the opposite side of my neck. His cold fingers send shivers through my whole body. I used to love his cold hand, but right now it didn’t feel good. 

“You already helped me out enough Steve. Don’t do this to yourself. This…whatever they did to me…it is not good. I have to watch out every second of the day. I need to make sure that I don’t lose control and hurt you, or break everything around me. Whenever I see others…they remind me that I will never be like them. Being stronger…feeling different isn’t fun once you experience it. I won’t do that to you, ever,” Bucky whispered. He leaned in, to press a kiss against my lips. He pulled me closer towards him, so he could wrap his arms around my body. I was still in a state of shock. I honestly believed that I was able to help Bucky. 

“We could do this together, Buck. I want to help you; I want to be a part of this. What is the worst that could happen? That I’ll be sick for a while, or forever? Honestly, that isn’t much of a change from what I’m doing right now. I could be the perfect person. Best scenario; I become like you. We could help America, we could prevent wars, we could fight the bullies together! Worst case scenario; I become ill. Just like I am now,” I said. Bucky sighed. He leaned his forehead against mine and shook his head. 

“Worst case, you die. I will let that happen Steve. I don’t want to lose you. You are the only thing that keeps me from going wild. I don’t want to lose this,” Bucky whispered. He closed his eyes and pressed his lips against mine. I started to come back to my senses again. And with every passing second I got more determined that I was going to help Bucky. I pressed my hands against Bucky his broad chest, to push him away from me. The man made a soft sound of disapproval, but stepped back. 

“Do you really think I would leave you stupid ass alone? You won’t survive a day without me Buck. I’ve survived all these years with shit, I think I can handle this. Bucky, we could at least try. They can see if I’m good enough, if not, that’s okay. They won’t do this to someone they know won’t survive,” I said. Bucky frowned and shook his head. 

“I can’t put you through the same pain they put me through. Please, Steve. Don’t do this to me. It’s a whole circus you don’t want to go through,” Bucky mumbled. He lowered his head and stepped back into his old position. Bucky wrapped his arms around me once again and pushed his head against my shoulder. 

“But I do, I do want to go through that circus. We can do it together. It should be me, Buck. I want to do this,”. Bucky pushed me closer against him and slowly nodded. 

“I’ll make sure Howard will talk this out of your head,” Bucky mumbled. The smile from before returned. I chuckled and pressed a kiss against Bucky’s hair. 

“Sure Buck,” I laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a comment about how you feel about this idea, should Steve do it or not?


End file.
